Chocolate Brownies with Espresso and White Chocolate Chips

Well people, I have absolutely outdone myself. It's not a joke this time. I have gone completely over the edge, combining all of my favorite things - chocolate, flour, espresso, and unicorn tears. Alright, I didn't actually use flour. Seriously though, I decided I wanted to feel like one of those people who gets motivated and then does something about it. What do they call those people? Oh right, successful. Ya. I wanted to feel like that. So.... normally, I take a recipe from one of my favorite wealthy, lovable, and slightly rotund television cooks - Paula Deen, Ina Garten, Guy Fieri (Ew gross. Totally kidding about the Guy Fieri thing) - adjust it to suit the little chocolate-loving fat kid who lives inside my head, and then eat until I feel better about myself or at least until Robert tells me I can come up from the basement. This time I decided to get a little creative and actually concoct my own recipe. I know. I know. I'm awesome. Take a moment and think about it. Done? Take your time. Now? Great. You see, if I'm ever going to realize my dream of being a power gay with two adoptees who lives off his husband's millions, well I'd better figure out something to contribute - a way to keep my man, as Snookie might say. Some people bring intellectual prowess, a god-like physique, or an astute literary mind. Me? I bring brownies and a profound love for Judy Garland. And so, I created my version of Chocolate Brownies with Espresso and White Chocolate Chips. AAAAH. The timer just went off. Checking the brownies...

Alright people. I'm back. These motherf***ers look AMAZING! Gooey chocolate with white chocolate chips just calling your name. "Hey! Psst. Hey You! Up there. Hate your job? Your loveless marriage? Eat me. You'll feel better." See people, as I always say, dessert can really heal or at least distract until the next counseling appointment with that self-righteous doctor who thinks she has everything figured out. You know? The one who apparently has no idea that she has a lateral lisp or that nylons shouldn't be worn with peep toe ballet flats.

I've placed my first totally original recipe below. Enjoy.

Chocolate Brownies with Espresso and White Chocolate Chips

1/2 cup (1 gloriously fattening stick) butter
4 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup light brown sugar
pinch of salt
1 tsp. vanilla extract (The real stuff. Not "vanilla flavoring")
2 eggs
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tbsp espresso
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1 cup coarsely chopped pecans

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Line the base and sides of an 8 inch square pan with parchment (Or screw it and just spray the thing down with cooking spray. Better yet, line it with butter. Ya. Use butter)

Melt the butter and chocolate in a double-boiler - which is just a fancy word for a heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water. Once the butter is melted, stir in the chocolate chips. (You will immediately want to pour the mixture into a mug and get to drankin'. BUT DON'T. Resist. It'll be worth it.) Stir in the brown sugar, the vanilla, and the pinch of salt. Transfer to a mixing bowl.

In a separate bowl, combine the flour, cocoa powder, and espresso. Sift away until everything looks well blended. (Make sure Miss Lohan is nowhere in sight. I hear she loves chocolate...not to mention powdered drugs...She might think you've come up with a mixture just for her. If she is nearby, assure her that you're using flour purchased at Trader Joes, rather than her favorite Wednesday afternoon snack, AKA "the good stuff" imported from Columbia.) Where was I? Oh right. Now add the two eggs "one at the time" - as Paula Deen says. Mix away until combined.

Now add your chocolate mixture to the flour mixture. Whisk and whisk til you can't whisk no more. Then add the white chocolate chips and the pecans. When the batter is nice and smooth pour it into the pan and bake for about 35 minutes.

Cool in the pan for at least 20 minutes and then transfer the brownies to a chopping board. Cut into squares. Head to the deepest darkest corner of your apartment and silently eat them while you imagine what could have been.

The end.